I have never wanted contacts

Something got me thinking about contact lenses today and, quite frankly, I am still mildly surprised when I hear someone is getting them. They are so common, it really shouldn’t register on me. But it does. Maybe because I have worn glasses since I was a little girl and can’t understand why someone would want to put something in their eyes, then take it out, then put it in, they take it out . . . then look for it on the floor.

I know contacts have evolved since people starting wearing them when I was in high school, but I don’t follow the progress and I have never sought out new information. Some people are amazed that I have no desire to get them. I should qualify my opinion by stating that if I found them necessary to see while performing an essential task, I would be fitted for them. I don’t need them. My glasses are on my face almost all the time; they are tough lenses and serve as goggles as well. They can get super smudgy and I don’t have to worry about infection in my eyes. I very seldom misplace them since if I find them not on my face, I merely have to reach out to the places within arm’s length. A lot of the time, I fall asleep with them on.

I don’t even think about them, but after writing this I wonder if people question why I am wearing clunky glasses and not cool contacts. There is the possibility that they serve as a disguise for what Der Bingle and his crowd refer to – when they are being polite – as my close-set eyes. Cyclops nose might be another phrase they use . . .

I don’t care. I like my glasses. In fact I think I need a really individualized pair that make a statement; I just need to think of a statement to make.

Hey, one more thing: It’s customary when a person wears glasses for the funeral director to remove them when the casket is closed and place them in a gentleman’s breast pocket or put them in a lady’s hands. Maybe I’ll leave instructions for them to stay on my face. I’m not sure, though, and will probably give it some thought tonight . . . maybe experiment lying here first with them on my face and then taking them off.