I don’t have anyone to talk to or with, although I have to admit that I am one to do most of the talking and usually it doesn’t involve listening, so I should have just put a period after “I don’t have anyone to talk to” and let it go at that.

I don’t talk to myself because like my dad once said, “Nobody could ever tell you anything,” and so it wouldn’t do any good. Generally, I find myself with this invisible audience to whom I ramble on about some idea, intricate and ridiculous plot of fantasy, or some gossip I’ve heard and am desperate to retell. For the most part the ideas and gossip are but a smidgen of the amount of talking to technically no one that I do. I’d say 95% of it is made-up situations. It’s a way to pass time and it is entertaining and it takes me mentally away from the aggravations of my life.

Sometimes I find myself repeating what I have already said to this non-existent person, which indicates it is time for me to find a new topic about which to fantasize. I’m at that place now and it occurs to me perhaps I should up the ante and hold myself accountable to legitimate conversational protocols by typing things out.

I could do this, but there are times when I am going on about something where I am not, oh, let us say, your everyday AmeliaJake. So, this would be a bad idea – you know, the writing it out for people to read part. Better I should just keep talking in my head to some non-existent sheriff, doctor, scientist, CIA man, pilot, junkie, ho . . .

Gosh, I should not have brought any of this to your attention in the first place. Excuse me now while I go describe just how oddly Andrew was acting yesterday morning to the officers . . .

Well, I didn’t really have a grasp on it at first; I mean, I just felt off-balance. It wasn’t until Andrew had walked into Jim’s office that I realized I felt relieved he’d left – that he was the one out-of-step. Then, I don’t know, it just went out of my mind. I didn’t think anything in particular when I heard the first siren . . . What? No, no, I didn’t feel frightened when he was here. Look, I don’t know what I felt. I was uneasy . . . and if this hadn’t have happened this afternoon, I probably wouldn’t even have thought about it again. It’s tense around here and you just don’t remember every time you’re tense.