I’m starting to fret about this colonoscopy thing. I’ll tell you the truth here – the procedure isn’t something to which I am looking forward, but it’s not the real worry. And I don’t think the real worry is the results of this, particular test. (Did you hear my knock on wood? Maple – an end table.)
In the back of my mind is the fact that I’ve never had one of those phone calls where the doctor would like to see you – Is this afternoon or tomorrow okay? How in heaven would I handle getting challenging news? Not well, I think. I can tell you one thing, I would immediately think, “Oh, no. I had so much planned.” Well, that would be an outright lie. I am not a driven person.
Actually, I am tempted to cancel this appointment and force myself to get out there and live my life with the famed GUSTO for one full year. It would be a new experience. Usually, if someone tells me the road is clear, I respond that’s good, but I guess I’ll put off my trip and just putter around. I’m the type that wants the gusto option, though.
I could delete this post. And I sat here thinking about it. I could delete this post and just tell myself to buck up.
Oh, I was thinking about it again and minutes you cannot read passed. Aha, I initially typed “cannot” with a third “n” and immediately started thinking about telling everyone I had invented a new spelling to indicate can and not are spelled as one word. You know: can ‘n not – together. So I think I’ll go ahead and push publish because I guess if I didn’t, I would have to invent a reason to tell about the cannnot thing.
I can tell you from experience, the not knowing is so much worse than the knowing. I was so afraid of what might be found when my doctor on a routine visit said, we need to do some tests …tomorrow. Not next week, not next month, not next year but tomorrow. Then when they found something that required surgery, surgery in a week mind you. Again the fear, the queasy stomach, the oh dear God please not now, the what ifs pounded in my brain. Then the surgery, and as they wheeled me into the cold room I told the surgeon, I just want to dance at my son’s wedding. Don’t worry he said, you will. I was doubtful, I was scared. What if I thought what if? That was all the not knowing. Then when they told me, after the tumor was biopsied that yes indeed it was colon cancer and chemotherapy would be required for a year. It was a new treatment you see, because my cancer was rather far along. I said, okay. I was calm. I cried, but I went forward with my plans. I wanted to do whatever had to be done and continue with my life. The knowing wasn’t bad at all. I felt better. A few months down the road I did dance at my son’s wedding and I was happy. 14 years later I am still happy, every day is a gift to me. I’m still scared of the not knowing every time I have a colonoscopy.
Have the test, you’ll feel better whatever happens. Because once you know, you can move forward, do whatever needs done and go on to the next day and the next. I probably should have sent this to your email rather than posting it, but I really didn’t think I was going to go on so. You can email me if you need some moral support, before, during or after the procedure.
I want all who read the thoughts you shared so freely and with the purpose of helping me along that I really, really appreciate it Thank you. I will probably email as I go along this path.
You are welcome.