All posts by AmeliaJake

is this showing

A confession

On Wednesday mornings, when the show is on a provider that is in addition to cable, I watch “1,000 lb Sisters” and I cringe.  I feel bad that I look at these women and think how fat and sometimes outright stupid they are and enjoy doing it. I think it is because I find myself thinking that at least I’m not a total fat ball. And because their grammar is not the greatest and I think (know) I look down on them for that. And inside I feel good because my grammar is, for the most part, really good.  So this is what it has come to for me to have a little sense of self worth. Only, the fact that I do it is testimony to my lack of self esteem and shame at my lack of achievement. Crap. And to top it off, I had parents who made certain I got an education and stressed reading.

I can write this here because no one reads it and so it more or less a fake admission of  being unjustly judgemental and unkind. I don’t know if there is a just judgemental category, but let’s not debate that now.

I should feel better having gotten that off my chest, but since I have spent all the time since puberty being “bustless”, I’m a little touchy about the phrase “getting  it off your chest.” Oh, that was a stretch at an attempt at humor.

What brought this topic up today? It is Wednesday morning; the episode is over; I have to wait a week for another fix. Sad, sad, sad.

Also on Wednesday is routine of clipping the digital coupons from the Kroger website. It can be a little stress since there are weeks when you have to click about a hundred to ensure your Kroger Discount card will trigger the savings. Some weeks you only have to clip maybe 10, BUT you have to study the ad to figure out the Mix and Match Savings of one dollar on each item. Then you really want to get inexpensive items that you really do need so your percentage of savings is higher.  This could be a big boost to dieting, dontcha know – just relax for a week, don’t buy food and scrounge what is in the bottom of the refrigerator.

I’m not typing anything more today because I have a crack in the skin of one of  my fingers due to the dry, cold air. But at least I don’t have to go outside and feed the cattle.

 

Okay, I am not a big, fat liar nor am I on my deathbed or dead – I am here.

I should probably have written the title in a way that the “fat” was in reference to a fat lie and not to me, precisely. Yes, I am still overweight and those cheap, but strangely addictive butter cookies from Kroger’s didn’t help. They are seasonal and, knowing this, I bought extras when they went on sale. Now I am in withdrawal.

Today has been one to inspire grumpiness – my 5:30 to 7:20 am taking someone to work commute was not snowy at first, but the radio person said it was going to get dicey and there was an accident by a corner near my destination.  Well, crap. It did start to snow and there was an accident and then on the way home it started snowing harder and the radio said there were lots of accidents. By this time I was driving out of it. But that was not really the cause of my initial grumpiness. Radio morning drive broadcasters have changed a lot since I would listen. At this time, the local station has a woman doing most of the talking in a fast, high-pitched voice and she has no partner with whom to banter back and forth width. The weather and road announcements are about 10 seconds long and ALL THE REST OF THE TIME, she does rapid fire commercials and repeated updates on the latest political results.  The My Pillow commercial made me want to suffocate the radio, but I was concerned there might just be a sentence that indicated I was heading right to an accident back-up.

That’s petty stuff, I know. I got back and then nodded off for a nap with dreams that were unsettling. I guess I should not have lipped off about the  “My Pillow”.

Then we had a computer-induced problem . . . and, of course, I had no butter cookies to ease my frustration. My 12 Step program is that  number of steps to get to the kitchen; it is not effective. Do not try it at home.

While I’m griping about my actually not a problem day, a relative was having a hip replacement and then facing rehab. Why did I not think, “Oh, I am so lucky to only have a computer prob instead of having my hip cut into and discomfort following.”

Actually, now that I have been writing about those cheap butter cookies, I have a faint memory of sticking a box in a hiding place two weeks before Christmas. Maybe it’s still there.

 

 

Well, I am committed . . . to be here – mainly for Glenda (and anyone else who wants to read).

I have had this site for many years and for a number of them I wrote daily, sometimes well, sometimes mundanely, often redundantly and sometimes a waste of my and the reader’s time.

I have made comebacks and each one lasted one or two posts.

Now, I am here to stay because I want so often to email people, especially Glenda with whom I share grandparents and who emails me with lots of news of my father’s family and the surrounding where he grew up. She and I and her sister Susie and our cousin Lana  often would sleep on flannel sheets beneath a portrait of our great-grandfather in his Civil War uniform (Blue). Lana and I once shared a bed and she sat on Roy, but that is a whole different story and if you are really interested, you might find it my typing “Roy” in the search bar.

You see, although I often intend to email Glenda or even start to, I frequently get distracted and don ‘t do so. And I guess we aren’t much for phone yakking. I would have written “talking” but “yak” was a recent answer in a crossword puzzle and it was in the forefront of what is left of my 75 year-old -brain. Of course, now I am stuck with an image of me as a talking yak which will give you a glimpse into my not so mainstream personality.

This way, I can share my thoughts when the urge strikes me –  although some of my darker ones may be only in an actual email, because I don’t need  to publicize other folks personal business and because I don’t want to stir up in this election year any repercussions. (Although I may have an “Eyes Only” post to be very “M” about it.

I will readily admit, however, mainly because I have written it many times, that although I am not a fan of Trump, “AMELIAJAKE CANNOT STAND JOE BIDEN.” I have felt this way since 1988 before there was an internet and I wrote in 2016 when Obama and he left office, “Thank God, AmeliaJake doesn’t have to worry about Joe Biden anymore.”  But, as Dr. Phil would ask, “How did that work out for you.?”

So, what was I going to write to Glenda?  Well, pretty much the basics: arthritic knees, extremely cold weather, more whining about a scumbag robbing my mother’s house, finding a child-size baseball uniform of my dad’s that my grandmother had saved.

And, of course, I would have commented on her grandkids and the three great-grandsons, the oldest of which is a hoot – a brilliant hoot who looks just like his grandpa in my opinion. The other two GGsons are age one and kind of newborn so stories are still to come.

I don’t write much about my family because we do things like dropping a turkey right through the cooking bag  unto the floor. As Julia Child once commented, “Who’s to know?” and we put it in another bag and stuffed it into the oven. People might have suspected something had happened when screams of dismay and shouts of “Never mind, nothing’s going on out here” echoed out the kitchen door.

We are cold here, negative numbers and double negative digits in wind chill. We also have a situation where we parked a car on a soggy grass spot when the temperature was 34 degrees and a wet snow was falling. The car sank into the soil, the temperature plunged and now it is almost imprisoned there. It could be worse.

Taking down Christmas decorations and ornaments is one thing; organizing them for storage is another. I am of the opinion that next year we will have to open boxes to discover what is in there. This year I found a necklace I had been searching for for a year. It was a butterfly I had in a moment of whimsy hung on a branch last year.

I am not making any New Year’s Resolutions because I fear outcome of fiddling with the habits of a lifetime. So I will still be a procrastinator; I will still be making up Rube Goldberg solutions to problems; I will still not keep clutter off the kitchen counters; I will still haunt the aisles of the grocery in the morning for major markdowns on deli items, bakery stuff and meat I can freeze. I will still not  be concerned with house decor trends and I will still rant when someone looks at a perfectly nice house on “Househunters” and declare it “dated” and in need “of some work.” Heck, lose a loved one or be diagnosed with a disease and see how much that “dated” look matters. I imagine some folks might even bargain to get back Harvest Gold appliances and formica in exchange for the opposite situation.  Guess that gives you an idea of my twitchy personality. I should probably reveal these twitches sparingly; the shock could be like watching a horror movie.

So, that’s it for now. But if I’m not here tomorrow that means I am a big fat liar or I am deathly ill or dead.

Blogs have changed

About a decade ago, I could look at any number of blogs and be caught up in the middle of someone’s drama: one lady came home from a mission overseas and found out her husband was having an affair; one lady  who lived in a SMALL heartland town declared to everyone that religion was a hoax; another woman made fun of her sister-in-law . . . and all the other relatives. Then it occurred to folks that perhaps there would be fallout and the diary into the ether of the internet was not the same as the one hidden beneath a floorboard.

And now my reading is duller.

Sunday evening in late September

It is almost eight o’clock and it is almost dark. Three months ago it would have been still daylight. I am not fond of early darkness and even less pleased with a dawn that comes so late in the morning.   I think this feeling has grown as I have aged; I like the light. I want dawn to have arrived and be waiting for me when I wake, not the other way around.

I am glad not to be still of high school age when Sunday night rolls around, for I was, and still am, a procrastinator. I well remember vowing to not let the week-end homework wait until Sunday, but each week I broke that vow.  I believe that Sunday evening grind forever colored my mood about that time in the week, even if I have nothing hanging over my head for Monday.  Of course, there was that rush of relief when all was done and in a way, I think I miss that. And that sounds very much like the concept of hitting your head on the wall because it feels so good when you stop. That thought made me either grimace or grin and I really can’t tell which.

 

My Grandmother’s Bible

A lot of people scoff at religion these days, and then a lot of people worship anger as well. I was a very little girl in the early 50’s and the first song I learned to sing (horribly off-key) was “Jesus Loves Me.” My grandmother was a very intelligent woman who went to college in 1900; she believed in God and went to church every Sunday. She taught Sunday School until she had a stroke.

And, in 1953, when a burgundy edition of the Bible was made available to her, she ordered two and gave one to me and left a handwritten inscription on the flyleaf. (Her  “p’s” all had an upward stroke because that’s how they were taught when she was little.)

When she died, my aunt started using her Bible and when my aunt died and then my mother died, I found myself in possession of it. My aunt had a habit of noting certain thoughts in her Bible. One of then was this quote: “It is not the burdens you carry; it is how you carry them.”

It is early in September

I think I am ready to admit I need to be here, at home. Here, where things are rustic and doors are solid wood and the key for the front door is an old-fashioned thing, the doorknob black and taking a little extra push to secure the latch. To go upstairs and sort through all the old things, the ancient postcards, the stuff stored away. I look at the photos I took of the rooms so I could plan what I would keep and what I would not. It seemed a good organizational idea then. Now it seems more a daunting task. But there is a peace in the Peanut Butter Cafe & Roadhouse – and a piece of me.

So . . . what is going on here?

Well, I believe since I started playing Words with Friends on two sites – one of which is linked to Facebook – some people have happened on a Facebook site I created when I was just fooling around. It may be that anything written on this long neglected Leaning  Cow homestead at the the Peanut Butter Cafe & Roadhouse is transferred to that page. Or not. I will find out when I go over to it and check.

I truly miss the PBJ & Cafe and its denizens and ambiance and I think I need to go back there. Why not? I am old and I might as well say what I want. Of course, when I mentioned that to someone who has known me for decades, he asked, “And how would that be any different from how you have always been?” Good point, that. So, just to be clear: AmeliaJake cannot stand Joe Biden.

A benefit

There is a nice side to blogs being passe and ones like this not read. I need to write I want to cry. I’m sad. I’m sad about my family. I’m sad about myself and the decisions I made and the fears I had. And I’m sad because I think if I had another chance, I’d mess it up just as much.