I have been in a cycle of not really writing about personal things; I mean the personal things that cause one to feel sad or choke up or feel the weight of regret and guilt. Lately, I have been having dreams about my Mother – dreams in which I am very angry with her. It is not a good thing to wake-up to, and, in fact, Der Bingle has had to waken me from some of the nightmares.
I think I am actually angry at myself and that Mother is not really haunting my dreams . . . because if it is the latter, a post-AmeliaJake-death meeting of the two of us could be ghastly and not just ghostly. My father told me when I was young that he and Mother did not expect to be repaid for anything they had done for me – that I was to pass it on to my children. I’m trying, Daddy; I am trying.
The Bible says that we are to leave an inheritance…. to our children’s children. NOT our children. Now a lot of people think oh, gotta make enough money to pass it on to the grandkids. Nope. Not how I read it at all. I think the inheritance that we leave to our grandchildren are the things that really matter. The ability to give AND receive love. Compassion. Honesty. Ability to forgive. History (I know this one is a bit confusing but I think it’s important for grandchildren to have a sense of where their family came from, be it ancient history or recent history….. they need to know that their family is special and has value through the ages). Work ethic. Faith. Humor (can’t take ourselves too seriously now).
I read your blog and see so much good inheritance being passed on. I think your dad, and your mom, would be proud of you.
The other day one of my daughters looked at me and said, “how did you do it mom? raise four kids without the input or help of any mother?” I really hadn’t thought about it. My mother-in-law was really the positive sort of person that was helpful and I didn’t ever live near any family members. I just did it. I had to so I did. I often wonder what my mom would think of my life, my family, my choices. Would she like my kids? Would she think I did a good job? 31 years has been a long time and darn it, I still get teary eyed sometimes thinking about her. I kind of envy you that you got so much time with your mom.
I hope your dreams turn to good ones, without the anger clouding a restful night.
And in the meantime, keep on passing that good inheritance on to the grandkids like you are.