I mean that literally, the seeing myself differently title. What started out as something I pushed into the back of my mind and pretended was other than it was is now front and center – in my mind and in photos. I have been taking my own picture a lot, because when I started joking around with the bathroom mirror thing, it slowly dawned on me how I really looked. Close-set eyes. Big crooked mouth. Big crooked grin. And when I pull the towel off my head – little flat hair.

You see, I kind of had this picture of myself in my head from when I would glance in the mirror during summer session at IU when I worked at McNutt’s dining hall and checked numbers at breakfast. I was, oh, let’s say about 19 and all that close-set crookedness didn’t seem as noticeable. (Oddly enough, my soup can body accentuates it now.)

I just defined myself all those years as AmeliaJake – feisty, quirky, not very nice and always ready for a “What if I just pushed this button?” or “Well, we could fix that with duct tape” comment. AmeliaJake, who used to tear down the hill on her bike to get to Russian history class down by the old law quadrangle. I had the route down to a science. Of course to make it, I had to keep my little canary yellow uniform on – although I did take the checked apron off.

AmeliaJake, who gave Raggedy Ann’s and Andy’s unique personalities. AmeliaJake who used to do jumping jacks to burn of excess energy. AmeliaJake, who could throw a mean temper tantrum. I was never so dumb as to use the hold your breath ’til you pass out technique. That is so self-defeating; now the person who thought that up didn’t think it through.

Over the years, I started actively avoiding having my picture taken and when one showed up in a digital form, I would put the little mickey mouse gloved hand on it and drag it right over to the trash. A couple of times, in souvenir photos for instance, I would be stuck with my image and slide it in a drawer somewhere. I think mentally I just threw my hands up in front of my face and exclaimed, “Ack! Ack! Ack!

But once I did the bathroom experiment, I realized I was going to have to come to terms with this soup can AmeliaJake. I’m not saying I like it, but I don’t figure there is anyway around it. Rats, where is time travel when you need it?

I am starting to see myself in my mind’s eye as I really am and when I think about it, I feel like maybe I should slip into the shadows and turn away from people. But, most of the time, I forget and I am still . . . AmeliaJake.