It dawned on me a while ago that when you are in pain or horribly worried about something and then the situation is eased, relief is not just the absence of the former, it is a euphoria. For instance, when I am really procrastinating doing a project or meeting a writing deadline and am just up against it with tension and clock-watching and vowing I will never ever do it again if only, just this one last time, I can manage to get it done, then, then when it is finally done, I am HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY. It feels so good; yes, apparently this is related to the stopping hitting your head phenomenon.

On the rare occasions I have maintained a nice little pace and finished with no stress at all, I maybe think, Oh, good, I don’t have to worry. It’s not anywhere near the WOO HOO feeling I got when I typed the last period at 3 in the morning and then pushed send.

I felt too good to go to bed; I felt great. I would think YES, YES, YES as I practically skipped out to the kitchen for a little snackie.

You know what the problem is: You can’t get that relief thrill without putting yourself through the tension-packed, terror-filled hours of working against the clock. Sooner or later, you see the error of your ways. I’d say it took me 65 years. So, now I have to figure out a way to rewire my brain to get a big lift from the process of doing. Frankly, I am a little nervous about going near my brain’s wiring. It’s probably not what you’d find in your textbook.

This is going to take some thought, but maybe if I finally figure out how to feel gleeful while working, I will experience an absolute euphoria at having figured it out. And I think that would put me back where I started, sort of.

I can tell this is going to take some double-double reverse psychology. Perhaps I can find a mad scientist who will just implant an electrode in my brain and with the push of a button I can experience the thrill of finishing without the agony of the feat.

Did I hear a groan?

I was looking for something on the web and one of the sites that popped up was one I had put together and then decided to leave. I have no idea why. Anyway, I clicked on it for the pure heck of it and found this little piece talking about when I would cover festivals for a paper when we lived in a Cincinnati suburbs. I don’t know where Earl came from, only that it is safe to say I didn’t know one in the area or I wouldn’t have used the name.

I was looking at the morning paper and saw just how many festivals are going on this weekend alone, including Avilla Freedom Days. I don’t remember there being that much of this sort of thing 20 years ago, but perhaps I simply was not paying attention.

Having parents who lived near Shipshewana while I was in Chicago and Cincinnati kept me up-to-date on what was going on there, but I didn’t realize more and more small towns were getting together a food fest, parade, rides, etc.

I remember when we were in Cincinnati, our suburb of West Chester had a parade that went down the historic road that evolved from a Indian trail. Liberty Township had a Fourth of July parade and festival with tubs filled with ice and soda pop. The little enclave of Gano, where Mr. Scripps used to live before he went to California, had a get together that I think was centered at the Presbyterian Church in town. There was one way in and out of this village by car and it was via the railroad underpass.

I remember I found Gano by hiking down the creek that ran at the side of our property – this would have been in my examining Ohio Valley River geology and fossil rocks period – and coming upon an abandoned railway trestle. I followed it and wound up in what appeared to be a town from the past. I admit to having a Twilight Zone moment, and I think I decided I had explored enough for the day.

Of course, my favorite town doings was Something Days in Mason. It seems odd that I can’t remember the name because that is where the editor thought I might wind up in trouble. I wrote sort of a tongue-in-cheek piece about the pressed chicken sandwiches at The Grange. She thought the ladies would be upset, but they chased her down and told her they had sold out of all their pressed chicken in record time.

I do remember those pressed chicken sandwiches, however. They were pretty dry and did tend to stick to the inside of my cheeks.

I am rambling here, so I will sign off . . . after I wonder about one more thing. I see signs about some fundraisers that say, “From 10 am to 2 pm or until porkburgers are gone.” Now, I guess they mean if they sell out of the porkburgers, they will close before two, but I sometimes think of them staying there for days . . . until that last darn porkburger is sold.

“Hey, Frank, let’s call old Bud . . . maybe, he’ll come over and buy it.”

“Nah, Earl, he had that spell with his stomach last March and the doctor won’t let him eat anything spicier than Melba toast.”

“Is that so? Boy, I’ll bet he’s fit to be tied. Say, maybe he’d buy it and give it to his dog?”

“Well, that’s a thought”

“So, Frank, you gonna call him?”

“Well, I might. There’s Lou, though, he won that porkburger eating contest down at St Howard’s Church. He’d probably be able to put this last one away. Whatya think, Earl?”

“Maybe.”

“Yep, maybe.”

“Uh, Frank.”

“Yep?”

“You know it’s been two days since the ice melted in the cooler . . . Think it’s still all right?”

“Come to think of it we could just throw it to the squirrels and tell everyone it was a donation to some homeless folk.”

“Well, Frank, I think those squirrels have a home right there in that tree….”

“Don’t fight me on this, Earl . . . “

I am reading Constance: The Tragic and Scandalous Life of Mrs. Oscar Wilde and I am finding it quite informative, truly realizing how while my great- grandparents and grandparents were living and being born and doing things like raising food in Indiana and being basic Presbyterians and Methodists, much more complex activities were going on in certain segments of English/European society. I don’t my Indiana folks had too much time for the Rational Dress Society and Occult Religions.

I am about halfway through and we are getting to the – ahem – juicier parts and the fallout from them. Apart from Oscar and his wife, the changing social, moral, philosophical activities of the time are drawing me into more research. The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, for one. Oh, yeah.

Ah, yesterday I wrote about stacking and mowing and painting  – a change from my recent days of dudding on the sofa or in a chair somewhere with my feet propped up. Last night I noticed I was a little  . . . okay, STIFF. Stiff in the feet, the ankles, knees and hips. I was also achy in some of my larger muscles – just visualize someone stretching their legs out and moving their feet up and down to somehow work the kinks out of the butt apparatus.

I was in marching band when you had to raise your knees so your thighs were parallel to the ground – none of this little walking/shuffling along. (I’m not going to apologize; bands just don’t high step the way we did way back then.) Doing that today and coming off the field would be problematic – I imagine the EMS would be called about 20 seconds after the loudspeaker boomed: Preeeeeesenting: The 1965 XXXX High School Marching Band.

I have a vague memory of Memorial Day Parades: The road past the cemetery was left in bricks and I think when we “hit the bricks” the drums were to go to rims and the rest of us were to assume a lower step. Looking forward to the bricks sticks in my mind.

What I do not remember after any Friday at school followed by practice and then showing up for the pre-game and half-time show was being the least bit stiff and sore on Saturday. I guess it’s better than being a complete stiff, as Mr. Capone would say.

Today, I cooked a roast, made macaroni and cheese, painted more of the fence, mowed the back yard, mulching dry leaves as I went and started moving the second woodpile. With the exception of the first two things, every activity was accompanied by wubba-throwing. Hey, I was a Dude. Oh, yeah, I also got gas in the car . . . while covered in fence paint and peppered with shredded leaves. See, I knew a Dude like me could carry it off, and I even remembered to put the gas cap back on.

I had nightmares last night; they slid one into another in a disjointed manner, sometimes looping back to cross over each other. They were very involved.

This is just a snippit from one of them:

Man lying with a heavy medical plastic mask over his face on a bed that transformed into a ledge along a sidewalk :

No, I didn’t get burned; this isn’t burns. I was having my fourth heart transplant when gang members came into the operating room and my mom had to keep me under the anesthesia so long that my face swelled up so much   . . .

You don’t want to read anymore.

So far I have dudded today. Just sat around looking at this, looking at that, sticking my head in the refrigerator and dudding. Nothing has been accomplished. Oh, I did feed the dog, although I just earned a demerit for referring to Wonderful, Marvelous, and Dashing Shane as the dog. He did have his doggie food mixed with Laura Lean meat, however, with a garnish of shredded cheese.

I am not going to feel bad about dudding.  I need to save my energy so I can fight off the urge to do something with this hair. I don’t mind the greyness so much; it is the fact it is limp, thin and straight. If I get it cut, it will be limp, thin, straight and do a good imitation of looking like a 1950’s swim cap. It does respond well to a curling iron, but one hint of humidity and it’s just flat on my head again. I know this is a small thing in life, but you know how little things sometimes feel soooo big. Maybe a wig, or not. Hats are good.

I think it’s time for an AmeliaJake experiment – Oh, say, a stocking hat with personality or a beret. Maybe a loosely knit stocking hat with little tufts of something attached. I don’t think I can do sequins. Maybe a loosely knit loose fitting modified stocking hat that you can see through to the hair but can be an anchor for a stylish pin .  .  . or post-it notes.

I’m going out this afternoon for a visit and I feel like I want to wear something smart, something with pizazz. I do not want to look dudding, although I am happy being so today.

Dud Dud Dud Dud Dud Dud Dud Dud Dud Dud Dud Dud  Dud Dud  – Dudding along with Dud Dud. Has a kind of rhythm to it, dontcha think.

So what, AmeliaJake, are you going to wear to day? What can you ferret out of your pile of duds. Oh, my, that was unintentional, but I think it was meant to be. I must scurry around and shower and put on some perfume and find something snazzy . . . because I WANT TO. That seems like a damn good reason to me.

You know it’s coming, don’t you? Actually, I didn’t until just a minute ago. Well, here it is: See ya later, Dude.

That title should be all caps, otherwise it looks as if it was a fizzle. So KABOOM. The medicine prescribed for my stubborn UTI starts with NITRO. As I emailed LZP on this his birthday, I believe my doctor may be planning on blowing up my bladder. I just took the first pill, so if there are side effects, nighttime is a better time to deal with it. With a name like this one, the side effects may be a real blast. HO! There’s a side effect right there: ridiculously forced puns. Or do I do that anyway? Side effect #2: memory loss.

I have been cheerful today, angry, hurried, frustrated and pissed off. That is not a Robert Grismore approved phrase, but there it is – the degree of my anger and frustration is PISSED OFF. Perhaps I am frustrated because I cannot just hit people with pieces of firewood and get away with it.

Today is Trash Stomping Day. Has anyone said anything about it? No. They take these stomping feet for granted. I just realized I’ve kind of been exploding all over and now, now my bladder is on the bomb squad list. It has to be kismet.

Rats!!! I still have a UTI and am now waiting for a prescription to be called in.  Nothing like peeing in a cup and putting it in a double-doored cubby in a wall. I imagine the staff use that cubby for little pranks when the office is closed.  Or maybe they are dull people and the little cubby just sits there,  unfulfilled  as a prop in childish trick humor.

Summer is talking about her paper on The Brave New World. Ah, been there, done that.

I’m up at three this morning; I probably will go back down in a little while. Right now, I’m afraid I might dream about the refrigerator being out in the yard, with pieces falling off of it. It was a struggle waking up from that dream to start with and I’m taking a breather.

Oh, my gosh, I just remembered another aspect of this dream. When I came running into the house to get help to bring the refrigerator in, I discovered the washer had shaken all its outer walls off and and  was steaming. I didn’t need to recall that, especially with people being okay with it. I mean, you’re standing there in amazement, yelling, “The washer has no walls!” and oh, hum, here comes someone with a load of clothes.

I need to think of something else before, alas, what more memories of dreams may come?

Great, I have Thinker’s Block. But now, fortunately, a picture of the block of stone of The Thinker has popped into my mind. My mind may take some strange paths but right now, this is  better than the Tennessee Williams appliance stuff.

Ah, but there’s not too much you can think about The Thinker at this hour. I need something more engrossing; perhaps I should read a little . . .