I don’t deserve a present and I certainly don’t need one – but I want one; I want a gadget. Or, I wouldn’t mind going to the mall and getting some perfume and then sitting in the food court sipping on a mixture of fountain sodas. Maybe some nachos. A new phone? A new computer? A new house? A new locale? Gee, do you think I might have an emotional need that I am trying to appease with instant gratification? And it seems it needs to come from an external source; can I not reach inside myself and find something satisfying?

This is a rambling thing here; I was planning on doing something outside today, but the sun of the past two days has gone and we have the overcast we have had almost all winter long. I think that is where I am getting this downer feeling from. It was something to find oneself actually surprised to see blue sky and shadows. Sort of reminded me of becoming ill and staying that way and then one day getting better . . . and you didn’t realize how bad you felt until you recovered.

I had toxemia long ago when I was pregnant with what I thought was my first child. Actually, there were two, at the beginning. One died and I was quite ill, lots of edema and high blood pressure, groggy thinking and all that. The elderly and experienced physician had an inkling – but this was before the days of ultrasounds. He noted on my chart “twins?” quite early but the one died before he could distinguish two heartbeats, so there we were.

Just a few hours after delivery, my blood pressure was normal; the nurse was surprised. And all my thoughts were so much clearer.

I don’t know where this is going, other than to wonder how much I have so gradually changed over the years. If I suddenly could experience my 20+ year old body, would I be amazed at the difference in how I “felt”? I suppose so. I guess it would be best to appreciate my physical state now, rather than wonder about what it felt like in a couple of decades – if I make it that long.

Gee, I am more content.